So this was my dream. Then came the challenge of making it a reality. The biggest hurdle to overcome was deciding to ‘expose’ myself for this project. This project could have been underway good month earlier but I kept procrastinating. Could I really do it? Am I ready to talk about this? Do I have the strength? Do I really really have to tell the truth?
Yes, I could say that I was going to do it. I am going to ask for donations for the bus, I am going to share my real story, not the prettied up version. But was I actually going to do it?
I just don’t know.
“Yes you bloody well are! Otherwise you might as well just curl up in your bed and die now” That’s Fighter Vanessa again, giving me a pep talk.
Frightened Vanessa made a few appearances this week. It was two days after I finished radiation and my body hurt so bad I didn’t want get out of bed. Gingerly I rolled to the side and popped a pain killer in my mouth. Then another one. A small tear rolled down my cheek and I could see my dream of the travelling Parfait Party going down the drain. I don’t even want get out of bed today, how will I manage on the road?
I shared my fears with my daughter. Told her that I didn’t think I could face people at a Parfait Party function if I was feeling like this. Even though this was only a tempory thing. My daughter said that I would find my sparkle when I needed it. Moments later she had dropped her laptop on to me, and there was my son-in-law on Skype. Cuddled in my armchair and a snuggie the last thing in the world I wanted to do was chat. Wasn’t she listening to me?
Apparently Fighter Vanessa was on the same team as my daughter as despite my worries I found myself laughing and chatting and yes… sparkling. So maybe I could be weak and vulnerable and less than perfect and still make the Parfait Party a success. Just maybe…
But still the biggest challenge would be talking about yukky stuff as well as good stuff.
Anyway, as with all things practice makes perfect so here is me practicing to be honest.
How are you feeling?
Frightened (and highly private) Vanessa’s answer: Fine thanks, I’m well.
Fighter (and sometimes brave) Vanessa’s answer: Crap, I feel tired, sore and scared. I have great days also, but I’ve just finished raditation and I feel like poo.
How is your cancer treatment going?
Frightened (and highly private) Vanessa’s answer: Fine thanks, we are managing the pain and I hope parts of my back might be healing.
Fighter (and sometimes brave) Vanessa’s answer: Since my diagnosis a couple of months ago I’ve had emergency surgery to put pins into my thigh to strengthen it, radiation to three ribs, one thigh and arm, My current medication is Letrozole tablet daily and a monthly Dumosma injection that I can now self administer, making life on the road so much easier. With a diagnosis like this the emphasis is not on cure but rather it is life quality and more invasive treatments such as chemo are deferred until later. Any pain I get is addressed with radiation to try and shrink, slow or kill that particular tumor.
Right now i guess you have the same question I had and that’s if they can slow/shrink/kill one tumor why can’t they kill them all? My understanding is that the human body can only take so much radiation and if they used enough to kill/shrink/slow all the tumors they could also kill me 🙂
I’ve just finished a round of radiation to the spine, but I suspect I need to pop back for a little more nuking shortly. It’s really hard to tell if the treatments work for a while and that’s tough, the waiting. But I am still positive that we can get this thing under control so I can go travelling and best of all so is my medical team.